


I would rather be caught dead than loving you

by gravityplant



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Enemies to Lovers, Fantasy, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Multi, halloween fic, themes of death
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-29
Updated: 2019-10-29
Packaged: 2021-01-08 05:36:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,039
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21230666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gravityplant/pseuds/gravityplant
Summary: When Dan suddenly finds himself in a departure lounge he’s confused, it doesn’t get better when he meets Phil, a rude stranger who tells him he’s a guide. But it turns out he’s not the type of guide Dan imagined him to be…





	I would rather be caught dead than loving you

**Author's Note:**

> Beta: phuzzyphan, can't thank you enough <3

A ghostly pale hand wraps around his. Dan's not sure he can ever "survive" this without Phil, ironically.

Phil weaves cobwebs, networks of thin threads, wound around his spectral hands. He affixes people, grabs them out of thin air and slings them into his safe haven. Sure, you could call him a grim spider in a net, but what Phil does is not at all for his own gain. Dan's still confused - much to his own chagrin - but that much he's been able to grasp.

For a moment Phil looks back at him, as they hurry through the crowd of people - well, if he's still allowed to call them that.

Phil's black hair is weaved into a thick braid laying heavy on his back. His eyes are ice blue and clouded as if he's lost a bit of sanity, as if the real world is far, far away. Phil's hand is cold in Dan's, and he suspects his own is in an equal state.

"Hurry," Phil hisses through gritted teeth, tugging a little firmer and forcing Dan forward. He has a couple of awkward encounters with the crush as he's being pulled. He apologizes profusely, feeling extremely embarrassed by all of this mess that this so-called Phil has dragged him through so far.

Suddenly, he's being pulled into an alleyway and he's uncomfortably close to Phil. His breath spills over Dan's face as he exhales with irritation. He looks angry, his eyes bearing a crazy glint to them. "Didn't I say no talking! Do you want to be lost out there?" Dan rolls his eyes.

"And be killed? Oh, forgot I'm already dead, there isn't much left to suffer for!" Dan mutters back through gritted teeth. Phil sends him an unimpressed look.

"If I say that being lost out there is worse than being dead, will you finally shut up and listen?" Phil's words leave a silence lingering between the two of them. Dan exhales audibly, a displeased look invading his face.

"God, I didn't earn this duty just so people like you would jib at me thinking they know better. I've been here for fuck knows how long and you should be thankful that I even wanted to save you from the beginning!" Phil whispers staring back at Dan with a cold gaze.

"Now I _suggest_ that if you want to end up somewhere better, you follow me- and if I hear you speak a single word again before I say it's okay I'll drop your case, understood?" Before Dan gets to answer, a firm and cold hand has once more winded around his. Once again, they're both swallowed in the crowd.

Sometimes, Dan loses sight of Phil. But his hand still interlocked with Dan's, like a thread between them. Like a bizarre bond.

When Phil first found Dan, Dan had no idea where he was, even less that he was dead. He was convinced that the reason he'd wound up in an unknown - to him - departure lounge was because his mom and dad had wanted to surprise him.

It was after all the day before his birthday when he'd gone to bed. So maybe they'd driven him - whilst he was asleep - to this departure lounge. Hopefully, they'd bought tickets to somewhere exotic.

He'd spotted the departure board as he'd looked around. Excitedly he began making his way towards it. By accident, just as he's about to make his way to it he bumps into a woman... or more like sinks into her, as if her bones give way. As if she's made out of thick air. The woman emits a hair-raising wail.

He winces, taking hold of his own hand as he backs away slowly. His eyes are big, mouth open in shock.

He knocks into another person, falling backwards through them. Terrified, he crawls backwards until his back bumps into what feels like a cold stone wall. Shaking, he looks at his hands raised in front of him, they aren't really touching like he first thought.

He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. This can't be happening. This is a dream and he's going to wake up in his bed soon. He'll just wait... here. Dan takes a long drag of breath and looks out on the crowd. He feels small and useless being pressed up against the wall. He hugs his legs firmer to his body.

He sits like that for a while, but soon enough he knows he'll have to do something else before he wakes up. He sweeps his gaze over the place, locating the board again. He peers at it, trying to make out what the words on it say.

But before he can move any further, someone has clamped their hand over his mouth and he's being dragged backwards. Dan tries to scream for help but it's to no avail. Someone must be able to help him. If this is a nightmare shouldn't he have woken up by now?

The person then whispers something in his ear low and threatening "If you shout, you're dead okay? I'm not gonna hurt you, calm down. I'm the good guy or whatever, I usually don't care what spirits call people like me, in the long run, it doesn't matter. Either way, it's Phil to you."

"You're here to save me?" Dan says sceptically. His dream is really weird and oddly realistic today he thinks.

Phil sighs, sounding way too bored already "I'm not some kind of hero, okay, I just help people out, common decency and all." Though his words have a positive clang to them, he doesn't sound like he enjoys doing what he does. He sounds more like a jaded villain ready to strike the final blow already.

"Right..." Dan mutters. He kind of wants his parents to show up already. At this point, it doesn't matter if it's a stupid dream or not, he just doesn't want to talk more to this eerie guy anymore. This Phil guy continues speaking, watching Dan intensely as he does. His eyes are ice cold and analytical, and Dan can't help but feel more and more creeped out.

"Anyway, I guess you haven't figured out that you're dead and all, so here I am to break it to you, sorry pal. What can I say, seems life wasn't so kind to you and now you've ended up here.

I mean, see it as a good thing, it could've been worse. I could've ignored your puppy eyes back there in the crowd and saved somebody else's ass, but here you are, soon to live a great life... I mean you are dead so 'life' might not be the correct term... anyway, now that you're informed we need to get going".

But Dan's not dead, maybe this is a dream. Of course it is! It all makes sense! He's just dreaming that his parents are gonna surprise him. This twist of events is just normal, dreams act like this. Wild and untamed. Insolent Dan replies, challenging Phil with a steady glare.

"I'm not dead, this is a dream and I'm gonna wake up soon. It's my birthday today and mum and dad will've baked me a cake. A chocolate one to be exact. My annoying brother will wait in the kitchen glaring at me when I walk in. But... it's just as it's supposed to be."

Within Phil's ice-cold eyes melancholy flash for such a brief second that he believes it must be a mirage. Then Phil shakes his head, responding with a firm voice.

"This isn't a dream," Phil turns around, looking out at the crowd. Dan stands behind him looking at his back. As Phil utters those words it feels like Dan is no longer standing steady on the ground. it feels like he's ascending, like he's floating around without control. Lost in time and space. Maybe Phil's right after all. Maybe Dan is dead?

He stares at Phil's back, eyes digging into the material of his subtle armour. For a moment he can't breathe, his chest feels too small, it needs air, he needs air.

"Dead... I'm dead?" he whispers ruefully.

-

"It's this way through these alleys and then through a small gap," Phil explains as he's walking in a steadfast rhythm Dan has difficulty keeping up with.

"The portal?" he asks interested.

Phil looks over his shoulder irritatedly "Firstly, don't call it that? Secondly, didn't I tell you to shut up?" his voice is cold and firm, but Dan doesn't let it affect him. If he's ever going to get to know more information, he's going to have to take courage and ask.

"Why not call it portal, if it makes sense?" Dan says, frowning, and Phil stops and turns around, sour expression on his face. His arms are crossed in a crotchety manner.

"It's a rip in space and time, not some stupid fantasy fiction where they call it a 'portal'. Besides, the term is stupid." Phil snarls as if he's stating the obvious.

"Okay, sir 'rip in space and time,' who decided the term 'portal' is stupid, then?" Dan asks, feeling irritated. Phil is getting under his skin, little by little.

"That's none of your business, it's just a stupid term," Phil mutters rolling his eyes, he then turns around and continues walking as if their interaction never happened. Dan raises his eyebrows, staring unimpressively into Phil's back.

Then he gets an idea. As if someone had tweaked time, just for Dan. One second there's just annoyance, then ensuing a genius plan's formed in his brain, curling Dan's lip involuntarily.

"Mmm," Dan hums merrily with a smirk on his lips. Phil reacts just as Dan thought he would.

A snappy answer is thrown over his shoulder in a quick fashion. "Now shut up and let me guide you."

"How exactly does a rip in space and time work, if the place we travel to isn't technically obliged by the same laws as the world of the living? If it doesn't exist in the same reality as earth life?" Dan questions.

"Someone thinks they can ask anything suddenly, huh?" Phil mutters angrily.

"Nah, just curious, seeing as you are the intellectual in this subject why don't you, you know, teach me a thing or two about it?" Dan says quirking an eyebrow. Phil glowers at him, his eyes piercing.

"Now you're just trying to lure secret information out of me, aren't you, think I'm gonna tell you everything just because you're trying to act smart? Not a chance that I'm telling you anything more about my job or this world."

"Then tell me about you," Dan says with a growing smirk "... or I could just continue asking you annoying questions until you give and let me have it my way."

Phil sighs heavily, looking over his shoulder with a tired glare before he mutters fractiously. "Fine, whatever, I'll tell you more about this safe haven I'm about to take you to because the thought of having a discussion with you about time and space again is equally as bad as just thinking about kicking a dog." The heavy braid sways from side to side as he moves and Dan watches it with fascination.

"Oh, an animal lover I hear, this must be my lucky day. Man, I really am good at getting what I want, who would've known." Phil flinches at that, the braid jerking in its movement as he turns his head glaring at Dan, his eyes ice cold.

-

When they enter the small, low-lit but cosy pub, Phil mutters discretely to Dan out of the corner out his mouth "please try to keep a low profile, okay?"

Dan rolls his eyes with a "whatever."

For once, Dan is actually planning to listen to Phil. He carefully peers at the other occupants sitting throughout the pub. They don't look like creatures he'd like to upset, or even as much as interact with.

For a second, he accidentally makes eye contact with a tall, old looking lady with grey glassy-eyes, grey like the empty feeling of nothingness, like being in-between everything, captivated in a grey zone. She smiles then, a horrifying broad smile with what looks like very sharp teeth. Dan hastily downcasts his eyes, shivering violently.

He follows Phil, closely concentrating on taking one step at a time.

Phil halts abruptly, yielding over the counter. "Psst, Ina," he whispers, his eyes slits searching for... Ina, was it? Dan looks around himself, cautiously.

"Phil?" a surprised, mellow voice says. She's coming out from a door behind the counter. She has big green eyes with a pair of bushy eyebrow, and her smile is Cheshire cat-like as she asks "what are you doing here?" She looks like she could've belonged in Wonderland, if it wasn't for her rather regular clothes and hair pulled into a ponytail. She seemed nice, seemingly knowing Phil on a deeper level than anyone Dan's seen him interact with (which to be fair is none so far...)

"I'm back from saving yet _another_ confused idiot who's asking way too many questions" Phil shrugs his shoulders arrogantly. Ina just shakes her head, laughing.

"Hah, Phil you know you don't have to put up that attitude, you softie" She gives him a half-grin then, punching him in the shoulder from behind the counter. He appears to become crotchety, glaring with a displeased look on his features.

"Um... Phil who is this?" Dan asks reservedly, keeping his distance. Phil glances over at Dan, shaking his head scantily and lour so that only Dan sees it.

"Aw look, this one's a cutie!" Ina exclaims, clapping her hands together in excitement. Phil just rolls his eyes. Dan stands there in confusion feeling his cheeks redden. He's speechless, feeling dumb for just standing there without saying anything.

"That's Dan. He doesn't have time for your flirting," Phil says flatly. But Ina doesn't seem bothered. She just grins that half-smile and begins cleaning the counter as she replies "oh Phil, don't get jealous. I'm not gonna snatch your man."

Phil splutters, "He's not my man! He's a stupid and annoying stranger that has nothing to do with me. I'd rather be caught dead than loving someone like him!"

Dan's not gonna lie, that one kind of hurt. Not the fact that Phil doesn't love him. But the way he said it, so frosty. Like he'd be that opposed to love someone like Dan. Does he mean it in that way? Dan's not sure he wants to know. Does Phil's hate for him have anything to do with his sexuality? The likelihood of Phil actually telling him that is probably zero.

Ina just shrugs her shoulders at that, continuing to clean the countertop with experienced hands. Dan stares, almost hypnotized at her hands as they move with fast but coordinated strokes.

He thinks about what she meant by that shrug. And if Phil's such a secretive person why does Ina appear to know him quite well? She doesn't seem to be bothered by the cold aura and lack of basic manners either.

Maybe she's so used to having him here, maybe Phil's a regular? Not that Dan can picture Phil sitting here sipping a beer whilst talking to Ina, he doesn't seem like the type.

In Dan's eyes, he is bitter and emotionless and definitely not a person Dan would surround himself with if he was alive. Who was Phil when he was alive? Has he ever been? Dan shouldn't think about that when he's soon to leave Phil anyway. He shakes his head, coming back to reality.

"Anyway, what did you want?" She asks eventually glancing up with a knowing smirk. The clever glint in her eyes makes her look both playful and all-knowing at the same time. Dan is kind of fascinated by it.

"Ina, you know very well what I want, you're just trying to drag out this conversation, you lonely fucker," Phil snorts and she, to Dan's astonishment, unexpectedly grins widely.

"Oh, Phil, you affectionate softie! I know that you've missed me too. Just because this Dan is here you don't have to turn all stone-cold" she pats him on the shoulder throwing the dishcloth in a pail and it makes a stifled sound as it hits the rim and falls into the goal. She does a small victory gesture with her right bicep.

"Hmf Ina! You're embarrassing me!" Phil replies whispering-shouting in an upset tone, probably thinking Dan would not hear. Dan can't think of why this would upset Phil, if anything he should be happy that she's acting as if he has any emotion other than anger and arrogance at all.

Ina waves them over and Phil commences to walk behind the counter, striding over whilst still maintaining that authoritative aura about him. "Okay, enough small talk, I'll open the portal for you, but only if you come visit sometime soon. The pub gets kinda lonely you know..." She mumbles, scratching her neck.

-

Dan looks out on the streets outside of the coffee shop, there's barely any people here on the quiet streets. It's clear it's one of this world's more sloppy quarters.

Some of the walls on the houses are spray painted and a few plastic bags are flying around with the wind.

When Phil had led them out of the gateway they'd found themselves in a backstreet. In the distance, they could hear the sounds of cars honking and general traffic noises. Weirdly enough this soothed Dan, he never would've imagined that would happen. But here he is. He guesses it's the first bit of familiarity he's seen ever since... all of this madness happened.

Across the street, there was a coffee shop oddly placed in between two worn-down buildings. That’s where they decided to sit down for a while. Phil said he needed some coffee before they take off again.

Dan's got no money, so Phil ordered them two cups of coffee. He'd been prepared to watch Phil enjoy a cup by himself. But as it turns out, Phil had actually been considerate enough to grant Dan a second thought.

-

Dan places his cold hands around the cup. He closes his eyes and for a second it feels like he's not actually dead. It feels as if he's at a coffee place with his family. Like he's warm, alive, and breathing again- like he's safe. As though the presence of his family would make everything alright again.

He opens his eyes, shaking his head lightly, and feeling a shiver run down his spine. His heart throbs painfully, his stupid heart and its wants. He should forget them as quickly as possible. It's not like he's ever going to have them back by his side. Not like he'll be able to say goodbye.

Dan looks up to see that Phil's observing him with his cup pressed against his lips. He doesn't know if he should feel embarrassed, did he look like he wanted to weep?

Phil's face is blank and there's no sign of a sneer, so maybe not? It's not like Phil would understand if he actually had cried. Phil's cold and stiff, like a wall of stone. Good for protection but not so much for love.

Maybe that's why Phil got the job, he filled out all the criteria. If anything about him is positive, it's probably the fact that he doesn't seem to get attached to the people he helps. The easier it'll be for Dan to forget him, he supposes.

They sit in silence until Dan can't stand it anymore. He wants answers, and Phil's got them right on his tongue. Dan's just going to have to figure out how to get him to tell them.

"Who is Ina?" He asks, taking a sip of the coffee.

"Who?" Phil mutters. He doesn't look like he wants to answer. A few strands of his black hair have come undone from the thick braid laying against his back.

"You know who I mean," Dan says shortly. He's tired of Phil not wanting to tell him anything. Dan has the right to know!

"No." Phil puts down the cup on the table.

Dan sighs "the lady at the bar."

"She's not a lady" Phil grunts.

"No? Woman, then?" Dan responds, rolling his eyes.

"She's not human," he says easily, tossing back what's left in his mug.

"...what do you mean?" Dan asks a spark of interest arising in his eyes. With a displeased look on his face, Phil says "She's not from your world. She may look human and sound it but she's not."

Suddenly Dan feels uneasy. If she wasn't human, how does he recognise who's human and who's not? And what if she wanted to hurt Dan but refrained because Phil was there?

"Is she... she isn't dangerous, is she?" he asks, swallowing thickly. Phil watches out through the window, seemingly contemplating the question. His gaze is distant and it takes a moment for him to answer.

"No... well, not to me at least, and as long as you're with me you'll be fine," he says, glancing back at Dan, and for a second his eyes are charged with something different. Emotion fluttering curiously, similar to how he remembers the eyes of his family members resemble. Filled with life.

Dan looks down on the table. Now when Phil's begun talking he should take advantage of it. Ask him something more. How long it is until they're where they're supposed to be at, or maybe what kind of place it is. When he won't have to see Phil's face again.

"Phil? What am I going to do after all of this? Where will I end up?" He says timidly, staring into his cup watching the coffee slosh around as he joggles the mug in his hand.

"The ninth world," Phil says. Dan looks, up his brow furrowed.

"What is that?"

"Heaven," Phil says, looking into his eyes severely.

"Heaven?" Dan mumbles, his mind constructing skyscrapers of thoughts and making him dizzy.

"No, I was just seeing if I could fool you," Phil says, shrugging his shoulders. "To answer your question, no, it's no heaven."

Dan nods slowly, biting his bottom lip. "Please tell me it isn't hell then."

"Haha, don't be so worried. I don't pick up hell demons," Phil says, waving his hand dismissively.

"Wait, hell exists!?" Dan says, his eyes bulging out in fright.

The corner of Phil's mouth twitches, "no, I'm still pulling your leg," he sighs dramatically. "Well, that's disappointing. I really thought you were clever."

"Pfft, I am!" Dan huffs crossing his arms.

"And that's exactly what unclever people say," Phil says quirking one eyebrow.

"Unclever?" Dan says, mirroring Phil's expression, save for a growing grin.

"Unwise then, does that suit princess better?" Phil says darkly, his eyes cool again. Dan involuntarily shivers.

"If you call me that one more time I will-" Dan threatens but Phil cuts him off mid-sentence.

"What? Run away from me?" Phil responds scornfully. "You need me to get out of here, so you better have some respect for me."

"I will," Dan fixes his eyes on Phil's "As soon as you treat me as an equal."

Phil looks him in the eye for a long time without saying anything. As Dan begins to feel exceedingly uncomfortable, Phil replies "but we're not the same- Dan, was it?"

Dan looks down on the table. "Weren't you once human?"

Phil doesn't answer him. When Dan begins to think Phil's tired concerning talking, Phil finally responds.

He does so in a cold, forced voice. "We're not the same, you're a lost soul and I'm your guide. Details are unnecessary."

Dan shrugs his shoulders, looking up at Phil. "Think what you want, but details are what makes up a person. If you think in numbers lives become unimportant."

"Yeah well, maybe that's what I have to do!" Phil snarls. Dan didn't expect Phil to jump down his throat. "Don't tell me what to think." Dan doesn't say anything, he just observes Phil quietly. He's never seen Phil this angry before. The anger had been frozen, controlled before.

"You don't know me, and that's the way this relationship will stay."


End file.
